Is This Book About Thaksin?

Chapter 13. Two Bugs Meet in a Bar, the First One Says....

Sintax enters the judge’s private office. He’s carrying a small sheaf of papers. He looks at the framed photos on the walls, some of which include himself and his family members. He recognizes nearly every one in the dozens of photos, who are posing with the dignified-looking female judge. He is also looking for ‘bugs’ – listening devices and hidden cameras, and any clandestine ways that someone might be observing or listening to what goes on in that office.

Sintax: Your honor, I’d like your permission to take a short leave.

Judge: What’s this ‘your honor’ stuff? You can call me Judge Porn.

Sintax: Ok, Judge Porn, I promised my family I would take them to the Beijing Olympics, and I’d hate to let them down. They’re really looking forward to it. Are there any bugs in this office?

Judge: I beg your pardon.

Sintax: You know; listening devices or cameras. Where’s your mobile phone – do you mind if I take a look around your desk?

Judge: I can promise you there aren’t any bugs in this office – of the kind you’re referring to. There may be a cockroach sitting nearby, but there are no nefarious electronic devices, of that you can be sure.

Sintax: I saw a cockroach in the stairwell of my hotel last night.

Judge: Thanks for sharing. Now, to the real issue of why you’re here, my answer is: I don’t believe I can grant leave for you. Both you and your wife have been found guilty of serious legal offenses, and there would be hell to pay if the wrong people found out I let you go off on a holiday.

Sintax: Now wait a minute. Ok, calm calm (speaking to himself). We go back a ways. You were sitting with me and the Finance Minister when we got word from him privately, that he was going to float the baht the next day. We both immediately bought lots of dollars, and we both got a lot richer overnight - when the baht lost half its value in the next few days.

Judge: Why are you telling me this? But yes, of course I remember, but you cashed out a lot more Baht than I did. Even so, I hope you’re keeping that little story secret, because it would trash both our reputations if it went public.

Sintax: My reputation has already been dragged through the mud, my dear. I don’t have much face left to lose. You, however, have maintained an upstanding reputation through the years.

Judge: Well, voting to excuse you for hiding your assets with your chauffer – was a big jolt in the road for my reputation.

Sintax: Well, we won that one, didn’t we. We successfully used the ‘honest mistake’ line, and you got a big new house with a swimming pool. So I’d say we all came away winners on that.

Judge: There you go again. I dearly wish you would not bring such things up that would tarnish my reputation.

Sintax: Don’t worry, this conversation is just between you and me. What we say, stays here in this room – assuming you have no electronic bugs.

Judge: So, you want to trip on off to Beijing for a couple weeks?

Sintax: Yes. Me and my family.

Judge: As simple as that - as if you’re prancing off on a family picnic - and you’re promising to return to Thailand, when the Olympics are over?

Sintax: That’s what I’m saying, yes.

Judge: Wait a moment. What do you mean, “That’s what I’m saying.’? Are you, or are you not intending to return after your romp at the Olympics?

Sintax: Look, let’s not beat around the bush here. You and I both know I don’t want to return, and my wife is even more adamant about staying away. I’m saying I will return because that’s what I’m supposed to say in this situation. If I don’t return, it’s not going to look bad for you – it will only look bad for me. I’ve got a lot of enemies here in Thailand. A lot of people are gathered around salivating, and wanting to kick me while I’m down. Maybe they’re jealous of how rich I am, I don’t know and I don’t really care. I just know that while I was in the PM’s chair, I had a power structure around me, so I could keep my enemies at bay.

Judge: Didn’t help you when the Army took over.

Sintax: Ok, you got me on that one. But I was consolidating power at every level, at every post. Given a bit more time, no one could have touched me – no police, no military,….

Judge: Well, maybe the Yellow shirts.

Sintax: There you’ve got it. Hit the nail on the head. It was the Yellows who represented the elite and powerful families. It was Sondhi and the others stirring up the dummies in the audience, all shaking their rattles. That’s what I couldn’t control. I tried dealing with Sondhi, but when I mentioned how he hadn’t paid back a big loan, that’s when he went off the deep end. One minute he seemed to be alright, even praising me in public, the next minute he was stabbing me in the back.

Judge: Sounds like a Shakespearian drama.

Sintax: Well it is, in a way. So anyway, how can I convince you to sign this paper? Airport security says they won’t allow me out without a top judge’s approval.

Judge: What can you do to reciprocate the favor?

Sintax: Alright, there you go, talking my language – that’s what I like to hear. What do you need? Not a kidney, I trust. I need both of mine.

Judge: No, not a kidney. How about you pull some strings to get my son in to Rajpaj Medical school?

Sintax: Consider it done. I know the director there. What’s her phone number – I’ll call her right now.

Judge: Well, be informed, that my son’s not the sharpest tool in the tool shed.

Sintax: No matter, he could have the IQ of a carrot, and I could get him in.

Judge: Plus, I’d like a silver Lexus with a sunroof, and a second swimming pool – for my guest house in back.

Sintax: Look, if it’s about money, don’t worry about it. Just give me a ballpark number, and you’ll get the money. Now don’t squeeze too hard here, I’m only asking for a signature.

Judge: You’re asking for freedom for you and your wife.

Sintax: Ok, what’s the magic number? Wait don’t say it. I’ll get ten big ones to you by tomorrow noon.

Judge: Twenty.

Sintax: Ok Twenty, but don’t push your luck. Is that guest house with the new pool going to be available for me, when I come back to Thailand in triumph – before moving back in to the Prime Ministers residence?

Judge: Don’t bank on it.

Chapter 14. With Sweetener Added

Sintax: They got jail time?

Papbong: Yes.

Sintax: All three?

Papbong: Yes sir, all three, got six months – six months each.

Sintax: That’s rough. Who sentenced them, we should give him a call.

Papbong: Sir, I don’t think that would do us any good. Maybe they’ll get time taken off – leniency or something.

Sintax: How can they give six months for such a little thing like bringing money in to a Justice’s office and putting it on a table. I told them I didn’t know anything about it. Why doesn’t anyone believe me? Did we counter-sue?

Papbong: Sir, first off, it was your attorneys who got busted, not you. Plus, who would we counter-sue - The justice who’s secretary opened the cake box? Are we going to sue the lady secretary for opening a box and finding money inside?

Sintax: I guess you’re right. But we could sue them for framing it all up to make me look bad – a defamation sort of thing.

Papbong: Quite honestly sir, it wouldn’t stick.

Sintax: Damn, why were those lawyers of mine so inept? Why couldn’t they simply walk the box in to the judge’s office and lay it down on his desk. Why did it take so long for us to fire the lawyer who so stupidly put the box down in front of the secretary?

Papbong: We didn’t want that lawyer to get angry at us and spill the beans – so we waited until he was dealt with.

Sintax: You mean shot? That would be a bit harsh.

Papbong: No sir, I don’t mean ‘dealt with’ in that way, I meant ‘dealt with’ in terms of getting found guilty and sentenced.

Manpoj, who had been standing nearby in the room, leafing a magazine: You know they’re calling this whole fiasco Pastrygate?

Papbong: That’s not the worst of it. A comedian downtown is using this for material. He’s pretending the money was stacked on top of jelly donuts. He does a mime routine where he pretends to eat the donuts, while licking jelly off the paper money and trying to stuff it all in his pocket.

Sintax: Can we shoot the comedian?

Manpoj: What?

Sintax, grinning: Just kidding, dear.

Papbong: The comedy routine is really rather funny, with the mime eating some of the money by mistake, and putting sticky donuts in his pocket. (Papbong can’t suppress his chuckles).

- Both Sintax and Manpoj look sternly at Papbong, as he valiantly tries to curb his mirth -

Sintax: Now this divorce thing.

Papbong: Yes, I was going to ask you about that. How do you want to split things?

Sintax: Well you know it’s all about finances……

Manpoj: Not really. I’m actually rather fed up with being Mrs. Sintax, and having to stand by you on everything. The press attack me because they can’t always get to you. They expect me to know all about your businesses and political posturing and all that crap. I want some distance. I don’t want to be hounded because of all the crazy things you do.

Sintax: You don’t mind the money, though.

Manpoj: I beg your pardon. My family has plenty of money. I came in to this marriage with money, and I don’t need you to provide for me, thank you very much.

Sintax: Oh, then you won’t care about getting a piece of the pie if we get divorced.

Manpoj: I didn’t say that. I’m only going to ask for what’s rightfully mine as a divorced woman.

Papbong: People please. Let’s try to keep this on track. I’m not concerned with emotional things. I’m only here to facilitate the money and custody arrangements. The more you two agree on those things, the easier my job.

Sintax: We’ve talked about custody, and there’s no big issue there. The kids are nearly independent now, so they can travel to and fro when they like. As for the money and houses and stock dividends, well, ummm….

Papbong: And where do you plan to file this? You can’t do it in Thailand.

Sintax: Not sure, but we can get someone to submit the divorce papers for us there?

Papbong: I have an idea. Since Thai embassies and consulates are like a little part of Thailand overseas, you could go hypothetically go to any of those places. Indeed, you could do it right here in Hong Kong.

Sintax and Manpoj look at each other, as if seeing one another in a different light.

Manpoj: You mean we could just walk in the local consulate and wrap this up?

Papbong: Yes, if you both so chose.

Manpoj: What if we got arrested?

Papbong: Arrested for what - wanting a divorce? Oh, I see what you’re saying. Because you both have warrants in Thailand, you’re concerned that….

Manpoj: ….yes, that some official, or security guard will get ordered to arrest us – if we are indeed on Thai jurisdiction when we’re at that place.

Sintax: Whoa, slow down. Nobody is going to arrest anybody. First off, we’re not going to give any advance notice. We’re just going to show up. Secondly, who the hell is going to put cuffs on us? One of the staff? The sergeant at Arms? Come on, get real. A few months ago, they all worked for me – and even now they’re all scared shitless of me. If I just looked at them sideways, they would cringe on the floor like naughty doggies. Not a worry in the world about that. We just walk in unannounced, Papbong and a couple bodyguards will be with us, we already have the papers filled out, …what’s next?

Papbong: Like you say, we’ll have the papers filled out, and simply submit them.

Manpoj: Do my husband and I even have to go? Why can’t you just walk in with the papers we filled out – and submit them?

Papbong: Because people might not believe it, or think it’s a ruse. It’s best if we all go in together.

Sintax: How could anyone think anything I do is a ruse?

Manpoj: Ahhh, do you want an honest answer to that?

Sintax: No dear. I was only kidding.

Papbong: So back to the nuts and bolts. You two should sit down and list everything you own – then try to hammer out an agreement - with who gets what.

Manpoj: Actually, the divorce is mostly a show, and the money and assets won’t change much from when we were married. The divorce is mainly to give me a buffer, if my husband gets successfully sued or gets more assets frozen or gets thrown in jail.

Sintax: I beg your pardon?

Manpoj: Am just being realistic, dear. In case you forgot, there’s a whole government who wants to put you and me in the clinker. Meanwhile you keep sending money to those Red Shirt leaders, getting them to rile up the masses. I don’t want to be all meshed up with that just because I’m your wife.

Sintax: Well, you’re in the thick of it whether you like it or not. Life is not like a remote control, where you can just tap it, and change the channel when it gets a little uncomfortable. If I get the PM’s chair back, and get the billions unfrozen – whether the Reds shirts assist with that or not – if I get all that back, you’re sure going to want to be there by my side when that happens.

Manpoj: Maybe, maybe not. Don’t push you pompous self-aggrandizing speeches on me. I know you too well.

Papbong: Folks, let’s stay focused. Now this is your homework. Go sit down somewhere quiet together. Turn off your mobile phones, and focus on how you want to split things up. If you don’t want to make any changes, that’s fine with me. I’m working for you, so you just tell me how you want the cookie to crumble.

Sintax: I don’t think I like the sound of that, ‘cookie to crumble’ ….there is no cookie crumbling.

Manpoj: Just a figure of speech, Mr. hot head.

Sintax: I’d rather you call me ‘hot stuff,’ not ‘hot head.’

Manpoj: Why, is that what you call your little perfume pants who follows you around on the golf links?

Sintax: Oh ha. I knew you were jealous. I caught you being jealous. Ah hah.

Manpoj: You wish. I quit being jealous with you sometime before Elm was born. I could no more be jealous of who you get nasty with, than I could get jealous for, ….I don’t know …..for dead Elvis.

Sintax: And what about the boy toy Serbian you’ve been seen hanging out with at designer shops in Paris? I saw that photo of you buying him a satellite GPS thingie at Maxim’s. Is that so he can position your fat butt when you two get in to heat?

Papbong: People people people, let’s keep it civil.

Manpoj: I would apologize for my husband’s potty mouth, but there’s no excuse for him. He wants to rule the world. If he can’t get the world, he’ll settle for Southeast Asia, and he’ll burn heaven and hell to get it.

Sintax: Good thing you’re not my publicist.

Manpoj: Well, I won’t be your wife much longer, either.

Sintax: Well, you know what Churchill said.

Manpoj: What did Churchill say?

Sintax: When he was entering parliament, a feisty female adversary of his said, “If I were your wife, I’d put poison in your tea.” And he came right back and said, “Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it.”

Manpoj: Tea time.